When we type, we often use punctuation to give our words a pause, a breath, or an emphasis. In the story of my life, May 10, 2023, became that semi-colon. A pause that wasn’t truly a complete stop, but rather a profound interruption. While my pen never ceased its dance across the paper, composing poetry, my spirit experienced a profound quietness. Those familiar with my recent verses may have sensed the undertow of deepening depression.
The evening spent in the wilderness, engulfed in its darkness, was a turning point for me. The stillness and depth of contemplation that evening awakened in me the realization that I needed help.
However, life has a curious way of sending assistance from unexpected quarters. Just when I was on the brink of seeking professional guidance, a vigilant pharmacist spotted conflicting prescriptions that might have been intensifying my emotional descent. It’s startling to think that sometimes the remedies designed to help can unintentionally harm if not properly monitored.
In my subsequent sessions, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder – a condition characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, loss of interest, and an inability to find pleasure in activities once enjoyed. As I navigated the sea of therapies and medication adjustments, the omnipresent ‘dark’ began to occasionally lift, replaced by a mellow shade of ‘meh’.
Despite the therapeutic interventions, my feelings of loneliness persisted. There were moments I felt isolated, believing that I had no friends. But now, that sentiment doesn’t gnaw at me as it used to. In fact, I have come to cherish solitude at times. My journey for understanding led me to a fellow martial artist, who, apart from mastering the art of combat, is also a seasoned mental health professional. Our profound conversations unveiled a potential reason for my feelings of isolation: perhaps my unique worldview, honed by my philosophical journal, is simply different. Not superior, not inferior, just different. My understanding, bathed in Hermetic light, might not align with the mainstream, but it’s where I find clarity and solace.
Soon, hunting season will be upon us. While the forests offer the promise of relaxation, I find myself grappling with a paradox. My ambition sprawls out before me, and myriad projects beckon, but when the moment arises, my zeal dissipates. It’s like wanting to fly but being tethered to the ground by an invisible force.
Nevertheless, this website remains. It’s more than just a platform. It’s a testament to my journey, my struggles, my realizations. While I pen my thoughts primarily for self-reflection, if anyone finds solace or inspiration from my words, it’s a bonus.
Thank you for staying with me through this update. The reminders to write pop up daily, so trust that I won’t be gone for too long. Remember, we all have our unique journeys, punctuated with pauses, semi-colons, and ellipses. It’s all a part of our story.
Till next time.
Warm regards, Jeff